OOOOPPPPSSSS!!!!! Not Again??????

It’s happened again, I think!!!! I’m not sure right now. I hope not because it could mark the end of a very dear friendship that I would hate to loose. If it did happened again then this time we know at least two things for certain. First of all, I didn’t try to commit suicide this time just like before. Secordly, we know what caused it this time which is most likely the same reason that it happened in 2011. It was caused by my new pain medication (Oxycodone/Acetaminophen 10/325). I guess my pain medication doesn’t like playing with my mental drugs.

Now let me start at the beginning of this tale. Back in 2011 around the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays, my 12 year old daughter had to call an ambulance for me not once but twice due to my getting very sick and out of my mind but the hospital was not sure of why. It was later determined that I had undergone an Altered State of Consciousness caused by a medication mix-up where my conscious mind went to sleep and stayed asleep while my subconscious mind came awake and had a “good old time”. My ex-husbands kept saying that I had attempted suicide which I firmly stood against.

This Christmas, it happened again. I am just now coming out of the worst of it and don’t really know what has happened over the last three weeks. I remember getting the new pain medication, and taking the first dose. After that not much at all until this morning. What I do remember is more like pictures instead of video. I remember a hospital or two. Something about the police and falling down the stairs – a lot. A need to taking care of the animals, but not really wanting to. I must have been in a few fights because I am tender all over my body. Even my head hurts. My ribs on the left side are really tender, but I don’t know how or why. My room is a total mess, but I’m going to get to cleaning it soon.

I pray that 2019 doesn’t continue the way it has started.

Journal 2018 – Day 1 – PTSD

Welcome to Day 1 of my new Journal to tract what I’m going through as a Christian with PTSD, Bi[polar II, and schizoaffective.    Now I know through my research that if you are schizoaffective Bipolar II is included within it added to schizophrenia so I am stating it twice in my above statement.  The reason I stated it the way I did is that is the way that my doctor informed of my diagnosis.

I have lived with these disorders for 29 years and counting.  I have been on a lot of medication with the many doctors that I have seen over the years trying to find the magic combination that will “fix” me.  The medication won’t “fix” anyone.  Let’s make that clear.  It does help to keep me together so that I can function like a human being for at least some of the time…..lolol

I’ve done a great deal of research into my diagnosis and medication.  In fact, I will investigate any medication that any doctor gives me before I take it.  It’s not that I don’t trust the doctors but I want to know what’s going on before I take it.  Anyway.  I thought that I would break up my diagnosis and look at each one up close.  I also thought that I would start with the easy one first.

PTSD you have most likely heard of. It stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  It is a mental condition that a person gets after they have experiences or witnesses a traumatic event.  It can result in a series of emotional and physical reactions to fear for their personal life and wellbeing.  Examples would be a car collision or other accident long term abuse physical or sexual assault, torture living in a war zone, a natural disaster or a life-altering experiences such as the death of a love one.  Symptoms of PTSD can be but are not limited to:

A] Physical Pain – Dizziness, digestive problems, headaches, chest pain, stomach issues, migraines, breathing difficulties, and fatigue.

B] Flashbacks and/or Nightmares – It is also know as re-experiencing where the person is suddenly and vividly reliving the event over and over again.  It can happen when you are asleep, but it can also happen suddenly in waking images or sensation of physical and emotional pain and fear.  Sometimes it will cause the person to become homebound because they fear the world outside.

C] Depression and/or Anxiety – Mental phobias or irrational and persistent fear and avoidance of certain objects or situations can cause paranoia and depression

D] Withdrawal – Sudden lose of interest in favorite hobbies, activities and friends in some that was socially active is also a symptom of PTSD. On the other end of the spectrum is seeking out risky behavior can also be a form of escapism through drug or alcohol abuse or thrill seeking.

E] Avoidance – Another one is why a person doesn’t what to do something physical or mental that reminds them of the event.

F] Repression – this is the intentional blockage of the memories that associated with the past even or experience

G] Emotional Numbing – A person after a trauma most of the time wants to numb their feeling  because it’s hard to suffer the pain when you don’t feel anything.  Unfortunately, numbing leads to withdrawal which eventually leads you to complete isolation from social circles.

H] Hyper-Arousal – Sometimes a person suffers from a form of the jitters so sever that it becomes impossible to relax due to the fear of threats. They are thought to be “on edge” or “jumpy” and easily frightened.

I] Irritability – A state of constant fear and paranoia that causes irritability, indecisiveness, and a total lack of concentration, sleeplessness and difficulty maintaining personal relationships.

J] Guilt and Shame – If they can’t get past the negative experience, the patient will find it difficult to move forward and maintain a healthy life.  Blame of themselves will come into the picture and they will constantly relive the event wanting to know what else they could have done to prevent it.  Finally, they will blame themselves for the tragedy and have immense shame and guilt for it.

Well, if you stayed through all the dry information part of this post then I will reward you with some personal information…..LOL  I know that is most likely not what you were looking for, but then why else would you be reading my blog?   I have PTSD because I was abused as a child and I have been in some really bad relationships.  I have dealt with most of it with the help of doctors, medication, friends, Jesus and God, but there are times that it sneaks up on me and the fear takes hold of me as if I was back there again.  I have no control at that point without the people around me that help me to remember my “helps” and that gets me back to the present so I’m not stuck in the past. Praise the Lord!!!!!  I am so thankful to the Lord for getting me to this point in my life!!!!!

Thanks for listening to me.  God Bless You!!!  I’ll talk more tomorrow!!!! Day 1 Out!!!!

To Complain or Not To Complain?

There are a lot of reasons to complain, but the main reason is pain.  Pain.  It is an interesting word.  It comes in so many different shapes and sizes.  In the Dictionary it means a feeling triggered in the nervous system. What a simple answer for such a complex word that causes so many feelings and emotions and images that come to ones mind and/or heart.  Some people can handle it so easily and others have such a struggle with just a paper cut which is nothing at all much less a busted lip or black eye.   Pain can manifest itself in so many very different ways; physically, sexually, mentally, emotionally and verbally.  It can feel like a pin prick at the tip of your finger, or a sting by a bee, the burn of the flame of fire, the ache of muscles well used, or the tingle of your funny bone after you have hit it on something hard.  If your lucky you only experience pain in one way in one area of your body such as only having mild Migraines.  Unfortunately, I have pain in several different areas and the pain is varied in multiple ways and intensity.  Some of  pain is correctable but not all so  I am classified as in chronic pain.  Chronic pain effects about 86 million people in American.  They range from mild chronic pain to severe chronic pain. Because I’m in the high mild chronic pain, I am on medications, but my pain doctor is trying  nerve blocks to cut down on some of the pain and it is working in some of the areas, but unfortunately not all.

For a long while I was constantly talking about my pain to everyone who would listen and some who wouldn’t. When people  asked me how I was doing, I would actually tell them about all the pain I was in and how depressed I was.  It turned people away from me, even though I didn’t realize it at the time.  I was so self absorbed and wrapped up in my pain-put-upon me wrap.  Finally, a friend who had not cut me off was brave enough to tell me to my face that they were tired of hearing all the negative thoughts that I was saying and to stop complaining.  She also told me that maybe if I didn’t talk about it so much, the pain might not be so bad.

Well, It made me stop and think.   I started thinking about other people for the first time in a long time. Would I like to hear about nothing but someone’s pain everyday, all day, long without stop?  No!  Would I try to do something about it? Yes, if I could.  If I couldn’t,  I’d do what I could for that person and pray for them.  I have started watching my words and trying extremely hard to stop talking about the pain at all , but there are times that the pain is just so bad that it  has to be acknowledged if for no other reason than to ask for pray or when you hit a hole in the road and your head hits the roof for your car.  .

My friend did make me think about the complaining, and I wanted to know what God said about it.   First, I had to define pain and complain as they apply in the Bible. According to the Vine’s Complete Expository Dictionary by W.E. Vine,  in the New Testament of the bible,  pain is both a noun and a verb.  As a noun it can be one of two Greek words; either pono  – “anguish” as in Revelation 16:10 or  ocin – “travail pain” as in Matthew 24:8 or “sorrows” as in 1 Thessalonians 5:3.  As a verb it can be basanizo or “ to rub on the touchstone to put to the test.” In this statement a ” touchstone” is a dark stone used in testing metals.  It can also mean in general “to distress” as in Revelation 12:2.

Now that we have an idea about what the Bible says about pain, let’s look at what it says about complaining.  In the Old Testament there are three different Greek words for complainer or complaint.  There are 1)mempsimoiros means “one who complains” or “complaining of one’s lot” as in Jude16. 2)momphe means “blame” or “occasion of complaint” or “quarrel” as in Colossians 3:13. 3) aitoma means “in charge” or complaints” as in Acts 25:7.

So we know the definitions but do we have the understanding of theses words and can easily use them yet? No! We need to put the definitions into action, so let us look into the Bible and see what God says about these concepts.  After Adam and Eve fall from grace, one of the things that God did was intensify a woman’s labor pains and added painful efforts with children.  Also because of their biting of the apple, we all as well will experience the pain of death.

According to Psalm 142:2 KJV we are suppose to lay complaints at God’s feet. In Isaiah 53 we get a eye opener on how both God and man look at these two concepts. It is clear that even when we were sinners, God loved us.  He took on all our sicknesses and He carries all our pains.  It also shows us as well that man has never treated prophets and men of God very nicely, but we were especially cruel to Jesus.

You have to keep in mind that God did everything for us that he has done not because of anything that  we could have done on this earth or in heaven.  We are born into sin thanks to Adam and Eve.  Not one of us is innocent and that includes babies. We have to stop complaining all the time or thinking that we are entitled to something in this world.  Thank be to God for loving us so much that he took on all our bad stuff so that we may have all of God’s good stuff.  AMEN


Sleeping – Maybe?


Good Morning or should I say Good Evening.  It’s 12:23 in the morning.  I was up all night last night and finally fell asleep this morning just as the plumber was getting here and Ellen was trying to get the animals put away.  I have to admit that I was not happy with the interruption of my time of trying to get to sleep.  After I have taken my night medication and I’m half in / Half out of it I’m not a pleasant person at all because all I want to do is be left alone to try to sleep.   Even though I have the medication on board doesn’t mean that I am actually sleeping.  A lot of the time I am in-between fully awake and sleep.  I’m not really aware of what’s going on around me, but I’m not getting into REM sleep either.  Unfortunately that is my biggest problem.

I suffer from insomnia.  It’s a very common sleep disorder.  I think nearly 1 out of 10 adults  suffer from it in the United States.  Insomnia consist of not being able to fall asleep or stay asleep,  or  having the kind of sleep that doesn’t give you back the energy and strength that you need to face the day. The last kind of sleep is really the worst because you feel like you are just walking through deep mud all day and not being able to make any progress.  It is very frustrating.

Insomnia affects the memory and concentration.  I really have a hard time thinking all together.  It’s kinda feels like my mind is wrapped in gauze and spider webs  filled with chocolate pudding.  It’s worst than driving through snow blindness.  I just can’t put two thoughts together with any understanding.  During these times, the people around me have to really read between the lines to understand what I am trying to get across.  Luckily, I am surrounded by some great friends.

Nerve Block – Much Better

Wow!  I mean, “Really WOW!!!!”  My head and my neck finally don’t hurt.  I mean it is like a veil of pain has been lifted off my head and completely removed.  That nerve block is suppose to be the one that is really good and will last a long time.  It should take care of my lightning headaches and my neck and right shoulder pain.  It will be nice to be able to raise my right arm over my head without it hurting me…LOL  I might even be able to turn my head without too much pain….WOW!!!!! Even thought This block is suppose to be the best unfortunately there is no cure for the ALMIGHTY MIGRAINE!!!

I really wish they did have a magic cure of migraines.  They are the worst. You can’t move around because you are so sick. You can’t stand light or sound of any kind. You are literally just lying there praying for it to go away because you can’t take any medication because you vomit it up.  Sometimes they are so bad that you get to see things like pink pot-a-dot animals, but that doesn’t happen very often.

Well, I’m really happy that I don’t have one of those thing morning or should  tonight since the sun has not come up yet….lol  Talk to you later. and have a Blessed day!

Continue reading “Nerve Block – Much Better”

Is a Nerve Block Fun?

Now let me begin by saying that Nerve blocks normally work to control the pain they are meant to, but sometimes getting to the relief stage  is a not so smooth ride.  You go through a series of nerve block to locate the right nerves to hit that give you the best relief.  They tell you at the clinic that these blocks are just temporary and will most likely only last a couple days.  I was lucky in that they lasted sometimes as  long as 3 weeks. Sometimes the blocks work and others times not so much.  After several of the short term blocks they will do Radio Frequency blocks which is where they will us electricity to kinda kill the nerves that are causing you the pain.  The only part bad about it is that sometimes the nerves don’t realize they are dead for up to 4-6 weeks later so you’ll still have right after the local wears off.  The great thing about these RF blocks is that they will give you relief for 6-18 months depending on how fast your body builds back the nerves that were “killed>”

In the worse case sometimes after the local wears off, it feels like someone let a Jackass in the procedure room to kick you where they did the block which in my case was the back of my neck. LOL I got a nerve headache which is almost as bad as migraines without the unset stomach.  I have all the other symptoms though.

They also tell you to apply cold on the site which really helps the only problem with that is it stops being cold and as it warms up, the pain gets worse with the heat. You have to take the ice off after only a little while so you only get a little relief and you have to wait between the ice packs so you have to endure so pain for a little while between ice packs, but it’s not as bad as without the  block.

My problem today is that I had a nerve block yesterday in my C2-C5 vertebrae  and it feels like a have a knife stuck in the back of my brain and sparks are coming from the tip all of the time.  Nothing seems  to be helping.  I’ve had this headache since an hour pass the procedure.   I pray my night medications work so at least that would give me some relief.  I’ll see y’all tomorrow. Y’all are in my thoughts and prays.

Coughing/Breathing Problems

smoboWell, my lungs are at it again. They just don’t seem to be healing like they are suppose to be.  Sometimes I wonder why I quit smoking.  I was not sick or having breathing problems then.  I was coughing some, but not a lot. But now since I quit smoking on June 3, 2017 I’ve been in the hospital twice for the total of 10 days.  I just don’t understand it.  I have heard that your lungs will heal to almost like new after like 15-20 years after you quit, but I’ll have to research.

After research, I found an article in Time magazine, dated June 1, 2008, by Laura Blue, entitled “Is the Damage from Smoking Permanent?” had a lot of good information in it.  In it Laura asked the question to Norman Edelman with the American Lung Association and he had some interesting answers. Firstly he said that the human body was a healing machine so the lungs will start to heal to some degree after you quit smoking, but the healing will depend on how much you smoked and how long you were smoking.  Let me say from the outset if you developed COPD or emphysema, you have caused permanent damage to your lungs and you will not get your total lung capacity healed. Don’t worry.  Some of the damage will be reversed, but not all.

Since the body is a healing machine, as soon as you stop smoking your lungs begin to heal.  First the inflammation starts to go down as soon as put down your cigarettes.  You start to kill your lungs all over again every time you pick up a cigarette to smoke.   (Did you know that? I didn’t….lol) Then the cilia which are the little hair-like projections in the airways which are frozen by the smoke of tobacco  also begin to work again.  After some weeks leading into months then into years, your lungs will heal.  Breathing will become easier.  Exercise ability will grow.  Interestingly, people find that they cough more after stopping smoking, but if you think, it would be perfectly normal be cause the lungs are cleaning themselves out.

Now this article does state that just like everything human, everyone is different and will react differently to everything so there are no real hard and fast rules about anything medical. Take me for once.  I’ve been in the hospital twice in almost eight months once for triple pneumonia and secondly for chronic bronchitis almost pneumonia.  So I’m really batting a thousand  here.

Praise the Lord that I’m home tonight instead of at the hospital, but Baptist East is a great hospital if I have to be in the hospital.  I still have 5 days of treatments, but at least I’m at home in my own bed with my best friends and all the cuddly creatures (2 cats , 40 lb lap/couch potato, 6 lb sack of flour).  LOL