“For as you think in your heart, so you are!”

This is a powerful Proverb. It says it all. Proverb 23:7 tells us in plain English that everything is tied into our thoughts and what we are thinking at this very moment. What are you thinking right now? Does it matter? I mean really matter in and to your life at this very moment?  Does it? The answer is a resounding “YES!”

People don’t realize that what they think dictates everything else about them: mood, feelings, words, attitude, behavior, and even actions and therefore reactions.  Your thoughts and therefore your imagination shapes your life.  If you want to change any thing at all about you, you have to start with changing your thinking it first.

Let’s take the number one thing that almost everyone knows about or has tried at least once in their lives: Dieting.  There are so many diets out there that it is hard to choose one. It is just crazy. You don’t know which one will work for you.

Of course, if you are anything like me you choose the one that will cause the least amount  of change to your routine and food intake or eating habits and the easiest to do and if it fits into your budget.  You pick a pill.  Maybe it works for a while so you lose the weight you wanted to and you stop taking the pill. All of a sudden you start gain the weight right back.  You go back on the diet again, but this time it doesn’t work. What do you do? You look for the Next Diet…

Again, you go for the one that offers little change or effort, but doesn’t work.  You are not a gym person so what are you going to do.  You can always jump on the diet bandwagon of those diets where you have to buy their food and never cook your own food again.  Is that what you really want? Are you ready to face the truth? Now?

You need to change your thinking! Then you will lose weight.  Start living healthy, and whole lives. Do some sort of exercise program.  It does not have to be at a gym.  It can be as simple as a yoga/video workout at home. Study and read the Bible about being healthy. It has a lot of things to say about and fill you thoughts with all those good thoughts.  Pray and God will help fill you mind with good thoughts too.

I’ve not had a very good life, but it’s made me the woman I am today.  I was (and still am to a point) a very angry woman. (God’s still working on me.  Praise the Lord) I am now in my 50s and it has taken me until now to know that negativity will slowly kill you.  It will eat you up from the inside.  You can’t love if you are always negative.  You will be miserable in your own little bit of hell and make everyone around you miserble too. There is no hope there either. There is only fear and despear. There is hate there too.  Do you want that?

I don’t want that anymore, but I backslide sometimes and God corrects me sternly, but patiently.  I am blessed with a housemate that is very humble, kind, caring, and forgiving of my faults.  She has helped me more than she will ever know.  She has taught me and most likely will teach me a lot more in the future.  I just pray that I am such a good friend to her.  At least I try to be.

Now Positive thinking is something to grab a hold of  and not let go.  If you start to fill you mind with Bible verses and positive quotes and thoughts which you share with all your friends, you will push all those negative thoughts out of your head then your mood, feeling, words, attitude, behavior, actions and even reactions will change in a more positive way.  You just might start loving people and finding hope again.  People will start to see the change in you, and start gravitating toward you instead of away.  You will get a pep in your step and be a happier person all around.

Don’t worry……Be Happy!

 

 

 

Becoming the Woman God Wants Me to Be – Days 3 & 4

Please forgive me.  I was suppose to have this post up for you by last Friday, but sometimes life happens.  I am on track with the study, but writing the blogs is where I’m behind.  I am determined to get back on track in the coming weeks.

Meditate on God’s Word/ Be a Woman Worthy of Confidence

Scriptures of Week to Memorize

“A wife of noble character who can find?

She is worth far more than rubies.

Her husband has cull confidence in her

 and lacks nothing of value.”

Proverbs 31: 10-11

Passage of Day to Read – Day 3

“How can a young [woman] Keep [her] way pure?

be living according to your word.

I seek you with all my heart;

do not let me stray from your commanded.

I have hidden your word in my heart

that I might not sin against you…

I meditate on your precepts

and consider your ways.

I delight in your decrees:

I will  not neglect your word.”

Psalm 119:9-11, 15-16

Passage to Read – Day 4

“A wife of noble character who can find?

She is worth far more than rubies.

Her husband has full confidence in her

and lacks nothing of value.

She brings him good, not harm,

all the days of her life.”

Proverbs 31:10-12

Day 3

Do  you think you can become a Lawyer of any worth by just casually reading the law books? Well, you can’t!  You most likely would not even be able to pass the bar exam if you managed to graduate from law school.  I am told that you to put in almost as much study time as class time if not more.  The same is true when you are  becoming a woman of God.   You have to meditate and study and take it down deep into the fiber of our being what is the most important things to us and that is the Bible.  We are going to be standing  toe to toe with Satan’s onslaught of temptations, and we have to be able to have the  Word of God readily on our lips.

Matthew 12:34

“Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.”

The above is why we meditate on the Word and store it in our hearts so that it can flow from our mouth when we need it.

Remember:

Satan is the Father is lies!

The only way to cut through his lies is God’s Honest Truth.

John 8:32 states,

Jesus says: “You shall know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

The Most Important thing you need to do is Memorizing the Scripture.  The two main reason are as follows:

  1. Helps keep our thoughts pure.
  2. Less room for all other junk we usually have hanging around up there.

To help memorize and the only way to get Scripture into your heart mind and soul is by meditation. It has gotten such a bad rap now days . But we have to take it back. Meditation is a God thing first and foremost and a gift to us as His children.  He meant it as a very .important tool to be used for our transformation, not by a new age gurus.

When you do your Meditation:

  1. Take time to think about what you are memorizing.
  2. Pray over the words even as you say them over and over again in your head.
  3. Ask the Holy Spirit to teach you the meaning and application of each word.
  4. Let His instruction begin to transform who you are and how you live.

Affirmation: 

I meditate on God’s Word day by day.

Day 4

The Proverb 31 woman has the full confidence of her husband because she doesn’t bring him harm, but good all the days of her life. God is our spiritual husband.  Each and everyone one of us:

“For your Creator will be your husband;

the LORD of Heaven’s Armies is His

He is your Redeemer,

the Holy One of Israel,

the God of all the earth.”

Has the thought ever crossed your mind about causing good and no harm to God?  What does it mean to cause harm to God?  What’s the first thing that comes to your mind that will cause harm to not just an earthly husband but also to God? Think hard…..How about good ole fashion jealousy!  You know the kind…..where you pursuing other exculsive relationships.

Matthew 22:37-39 KJV

Jesus said unto him, “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

This is the first and great commandment.

And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love they neighbour as thyself.”

This shows you how important God takes His exclusive relationship with you.  He wants to know you inside and out. He also wants to be your one and only.  He loves you totally and completely.  He created you with loving kindness and care and He is there for you no matter what you have done.  He knows everything about you and still loves and chose you to be His.  He sent His Only Begotten Son to DIE for YOU and ONLY YOU so you can come back HOME to HIM.

Adultery means a person is pressuring other relationships and priorities more than God. He is your Spiritually Husband, and He will not take kindly to you having other relationships more important than Him.  He wants to be first in your life.

Matthew 6:33

“Jesus said, ‘Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness.”

When we get our priorities mixed up and take our eyes off God — we bring Him harm!

But in contrast, by living  in full confidence of the Lord, we bring only good to God.  A good wife is someone who does the right thing even when her husband isn’t watching who remains faithful and diligent no matter the circumstances.  She is trustworthy`

The Bible tells us in Luke 12:2-3 that in no uncertain terms that those words spoken or deeds done in the dark or secret will come out into the light or shouted from the housetops at some point in time.  This shows that there is no point in trying to hide your words or actions because God sees ALL. Everything will come out if not in your lifetime then on Judgement when you stand before God.

Be trustworthy in secret things so God can have full confidence that you will bring him good, not harm, all the days of your life.

Secret sins are the worst sins and the hardest to deal with, but be dealt with they must.  These are also the sins that more than likely trip us up the most. and Hebrews 12:1 states that we should drop all sin but especially that which trips us up to run the race that the Lord has given us to run. Doesn’t that sound like fun? Just to drop every sin like shedding clothing and just run the race that God has given us.  I wish I could do that as simply as it sounds, but secret sins mess me up every time.

When you are dealing with difficult areas of your walk with God, it helps to have at least one person whom you can go to and be completely open and honest.  A person that will hold you accountable in that area.  Someone that will love us enough to let us know when we are heading in the wrong direction.  You need at one person in every area that you are having difficulty in. This person is very important in becoming the woman that God wants you to be.

Now you need to deal decisively with anything that might hold you back. Secret Sin. Repeating Sin. Unforgiveness. These are just some of the things that will hold you back. Can you think of others?

You have to be determined in this process. Set you feet firmly upon the path of discovery and change. Say with enormous energy that nothing will prevent or dissuade you from the long road ahead.

Affirmation:

I bring God not Harm, all the days of my life!

 

Journal 2018 – Day 7 – Bipolar and Sexuality

Bipolar Disorder effects all areas of your life but one area I didn’t know it effected much was sexuality. The thing with sex and bipolar is that either you have it in spades and running over or you don’t have an active libido at all. I am of the later which is why I didn’t know it was part of the Bipolar Disorder. A friend of mine didn’t care whom she had sex with, or what kind of sex she had or with how many men she had it with at one time without any protection at all. This kind of reckless sexual activity is called hypersexual behavior is common in Bipolar disorder. Then there is the other side of the coin when another friend of mine had no interest in sex at all. She didn’t want to be touched in any way at all. Not even from her boyfriend. She was fine with cuddles and hugging and kissing, but going further than that made her run out of the door screaming as if she had been touched by a hot poker. As you can see neither one of these situations puts the person in a very good sexual position. The bad thing about the medications for Bipolar Disorder is that it can stop the hypersexual behavior of the Mania phase of the Bipolar disorder but in most cases it will  completely turn their libido off for good.

Some say that Bipolar disorder is the reason for sexual addiction. The two are often difficult to untangle. According to the National Alliance for Mental Illness (NAMI) article “Opening the Door on Hypersexuality,” the prevalence of in the people with bipolar disorder is on average 57%. It involves a significantly heightened sex drive resulting in things like “constantly thinking about sex, a preoccupation with pornography, an abundance of one-night stands, engaging in sex with multiple partners, having random sex, seeking out prostitutes or having multiple affairs even when in a committed relationship.”

Most of these sexual encounters don’t mean anything to the person with Bipolar.  They get momentary pleasure from the experience, but they just crave the act of sex.  They don’t really care where or how they get it.  There is no emotional element to these sex acts. When this disorder has disrupted a person’s life almost totally, that person might become a prostitute to hide their sexual appetite.  This way they  can have as much casual, meaningless sex they want.

People with Hypersexuallty are often more likely to try more risky sexual positions and experiences such as being tied up and blind folded. Masters and Servants are also games that can be played as well as the use of whips and chains.  There is one game that even I am willing to play and as stated above I’ve got no libido, and that game is Dirty Minds.  I’d check it out if you want a little fun.

I hopw that I have given you something to think about.  You can’t always judge a book by its cover.

Journal 2018 – Day 6 – Depression

Depression. Now that’s a difficult word there. Let’s start with the “official” definition and go from there. According to the National Institute of Mental Health Depression is a common but serious mood disorder. Some of the symptoms are persistent sadness, anxious or “empty” mood, feelings of hopelessness or pessimism, irritability, feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness, loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities, decreased energy or fatigue, moving or talking more slowly, feeling restless or having trouble sitting still, difficulty concentrating remembering or making decisions, difficulty sleeping, early morning awakening or oversleeping, appetite and/or weight changes, thoughts of death or suicide or suicide attempts, aches or pains, headache, cramps, or digestive problems, without a clear physical cause, and/or that do not ease even with treatment. The symptoms can be severe and affect how you feel, think, and handle your daily life. To be diagnosed with it, you have to have had the symptoms for over two weeks. Not everyone has to have all the symptoms. Some people experience only a few while others experience a lot more. It is the most common mental disorder, and it’s most likely caused by a combination of genetic, biological, environmental, and psychological factors.

There are several types of depression

Persistent Depressive Disorder (also called Dysthymia) – It last for at least two years. A person has major depressive episodes along with less severe symptoms.

Postpartum Depression Must more severe than “Baby Blues” ( a relatively mild depressive/anxiety episode that typically clears up within two weeks after giving birth). This is a full-blown Major Depression during pregnancy and/or after delivery. The feelings of extreme sadness, anxiety, and exhaustion that accompany this type of depression makes it extremely difficult for these new mothers to take care of daily tasks for themselves much less for their babies.

Psychotic Depression – This happens when a person has Major Depression along with some form of psychosis such as hearing or seeing upsetting things that others cannot hear or see (hallucinations) or have disturbing false fixed beliefs (delusions). This type’s symptoms typically have a depressive “these” such as delusions of poverty, illness, or guilt.

Seasonal Affective Disorder – It is characterized by the onset of depression in the winter because of the loss of natural sunlight and coming out of it in the spring when the sun comes out again. Winter depression is normally accompanied by increased sleep, social withdrawal , weight gain, and it predictably returns every year.

Bipolar Disorder – It is different from depression because it’s got mania episodes too, but a person with bipolar does experience extreme lows which are depressions, but they also experience extreme high or euphoric or irritable moods called “mania” or less severe form called “hypomania”

Now that’s that out of the way. It’s the dry stuff. The information stuff. Now we can have some fun….Well….to tell you truth, it’s really not that much fun living with depression. Most of the time you have okay days which are spend in partial dread of bad days.  Then bad days hit and your world is torn apart you don’t know when it is going to end.  It is more than sadness and disinterest. It is like falling down a deep, bottomless, smooth, stone sided well at the speed of light. All you can do is hold on and try not to loss your mind.  The only fun is when the mood swings liven up the place. They can change as slow as the gentle wind blows or as fast as a hurricane roars.  Sometimes my changed so often that if plotted it would look like an EKG.  LOL  The key is not going too high or low.

Well, that’s a good overview of depression.  Now I hope you have a basic understand.  If you have any questions, please leave me a common.

Journal 2018 – Day 5 – Mood Swings

Mood Swings are such a pain in the butt.  Oh, how I wish things could go back to the good old days.  Back before I knew what depression, mania, hypomania, schizophrenia, and mixed states all meant.  Back when I was just an angry child who was always getting into fights because I have an Irish temper and a bad attitude.  Oh, the trouble I’d get into because of my rage.  Mom and I would get into such fights.  She had a good 8 inches to a foot in height on me and way over a 100 pounds, but I could knock her out when I wanted to because I had done it before once completely by accident.  What can I tell you?  She fell easily.

Now Back to the point…….Yes…..Yes….Mood Swings!  They can be easy like a breeze or violent like a hurricane. They can be brief or last for ages.  They can even be small like a drop in the a puddle or large as if a ripple in a lake.   They can be high as the clouds in the sky or low as Hell is from Heaven.  There is just no telling what is coming next with mood swings.  They are just so tricky way which is the big problem with them.

A time in the life with Mood Swings is as follows:

It’s 6:30 am and the sound of the alarm shatters sleep from your mind.  You don’t want to be awake, but you are.  You check around the room just to make sure of where you are and to take a mental note of yourself.  You slowly get up out of  bed, taking inventory and coming to the conclusion that your are in an okay mood today.  You have to check in with yourself every morning to make sure of how your feel because there is no telling otherwise.

You check your planner to see what is on the agenda for the day and lay out the clothes that you will wear for the day.  All of a sudden, anger falls on you as if the red fever just swift through the room and you don’t like the clothes you just picked out. You don’t want to go where you are suppose to go today.  You start yelling at the top of your lungs about everything that comes into your mind. Then a wave of laughter hits you so hard, you fall to the floor of your room rolling.  You just can’t stop laughing.  You don’t know why your laughing.  It’s as if someone as told you the best joke in the world and you just can’t stop laughing.  Then you choke!    Out of the blue you start crying as if someone stole your favorite teddy bear. Your still on the floor with tears running down your face.  You can’t get up because you are so upset.  You try to calm down and pull yourself together.  It takes time, but you finally do it.  Now your okay and finally get ready and walk out of your room.  When you look at the clock, you see that all that happened inside an hour.  Now it’s time to face the day.

Now, not all mood swings are this extreme or quick changing, but this gives you a good picture of the kind of feelings and emotions that a person deals with when they are dealing with mood swings.

Another things that I would like to address is the fact that people who do not have severe mood swings think that it is easy to deal with both yourself and the world around you because they don’t have a problem with it, but when you are fighting with yourself and dealing with the world at the same time, it is not easy in any way, shape or form.  It can be down right hard.  For example:

You have your mind telling you that your are sad, but it is more that sadness and you don’t know why and don’t know how to get out of it. You really just don’t want to do anything at all to tell the truth.  The sadness is more than just sadness.  It is something that you can’t explain, but people don’t want to hear that.  They just want you to get over it and do your job.    Then you have things that you HAVE to do in the world such as work and deal with people.  On top of that people in the workplace want you to be happy with a smile and with sadness you can’t smile.  So we try so very hard to please everyone and force that smile on our lips, but it is a false smile.

I hope you now have an idea of what mood swings are about.  Feel free to comment.

Journal 2018 – Day 4 – Bipolar II

Well, I guess it’s about time to talk about the BIG ANIMAL IN THE ROOM called  BIPOLAR II.  It is the most misunderstood mental illness in the book.  Some people think it’s about the crazy, emotional people that can’t control themselves in public and others think it’s just depressed people that  live on their own in the woods and parks in and around our cities. How about those people locked up in the mental hospital?  Some of them could be Bipolar. I”m here to tell you that all are right and wrong.

We’ve all heard the commercial from TV or radio that states, “Do you feel happy and energetic on some days, but then sad and sluggish on other days? If so, and if your symptoms persist for extended periods of time, making it difficult for you to live your life as you usually would, then you may want to speak with your healthcare provider.” (FREE TV)

There are some Key Points in  this passage:

  1. First let me clarify, you don’t have to be “happy” at all. and secondly, you don’t have to be both “happy” then “sad” then “happy” again. You can just be “depressed” or “sad”.  There is no set formula to go by.  The doctors play it by ear.
  2. Symptoms have to persist for an extended period of time which means more than two weeks to a month.
  3. This condition has to have made it difficult for you to live your life normally.
  4. Finally, You NEED to talk to your Healthcare Provider about it before IT’S TOO LATE..  When it first starts disrupting your life get help! Please!  It can get serious really fast!!!!

Back when I was first diagnosed, there was only one kind of depression and it was called Manic Depression.  It was a unipolar depression.  You only got really depressed like you were falling down a deep well with no hope of coming up or seeing daylight again. Later the “people in the know” came to discover a new type of depression called bipolar depression which is part of a larger condition of  bipolar  disorder where there were two poles of extreme emotions, both highs and lows.  The highs were not “happy” but euphoric and top of the world feelings.  You feel like you can do anything.  Your mind races at 90 mph like a car, but you can also turn irritable. The Lows were not always “sadness” but deeper than that and into hopelessness, depression, and the extreme would be thoughts of suicide.  After several years, “the powers that be” changed everything again and divided Bipolar Disorder into Bipolar I (More of Mania  or “highs” and  some Depression) and Bipolar II (Some Hypomania (Mixed states or “mid-highs” but mainly depression).  You will get mixed states in both.

According to WebMD, Bipolar is a very serious disease and can be risky behavior and even suicidal tendencies,  Bipolar disorder is a lifelong or chronic illness.  There is no cure for it.  It affects the brain in ways that cause unpredictably extreme mood swings that vary in length and duration.  There is no known cause of Bipolar disorder;, but a combination of genetics, altered brain structure, chemistry and environment may play a role.

Here are a few fun facts just for your knowledge:

  1. Bipolar disorder affects about 5.7 Million American adults in any given year and as many as 60 million people worldwide.
  2. More than half of all patients begin seeing symptoms between the ages of 15 and 25, but it can begin at any age.
  3. There is no cure, but for many people the symptoms can be controlled with medication and treatment.
  4. Some people may experience mood swings that are less extreme than a full manic episode , known as hypomania.
  5. People with bipolar disorder often also have other mental health disorders (Sources : Mayo Clinic and Others)

I’m normally not one for stats, but I do like my lists.  (LOL)  Look here.  It’s a disease, first and for most.  Yes there is no cure, but it can be managed by medication and therapy and in extreme cases, hospitals, straps and really good drugs.  (LOL)  Most of us live relatively normal lives and only those closest to us know that we are mentally ill. We don’t have pointed ears or a forked tongues.  We look pretty much alike.

 

 

 

That Frightful Night

I thought I was a normal kid.  I was a preacher’s kid to begin with so I had a mark set against me to start with, but other than that I thought I was normal until that night oh so many nights ago…..

I was ten years old and it was a cold, winter night, when all of a sudden I was awoken by a scream ripping through the air from my mom’s room’.  I didn’t know what was going on.  I was scared and on my feet before I knew it. . As I was wiping sleep from my eyes, I slowly made my way around the hallway to my mom’s room to see what was going on.  A little light came through the ajar door as  another scream ripped the night! I jump back and covered my mouth trying not to cry out myself.

I slowly open the door.  Mom in a flowing nightgown,  is kneeling in the middle of her bed, reaching out with her arms as if trying to protect herself and screaming at the top of her lungs: “Don’t let the Head and Hands get me!”: “They are going to get me!”: “Keep them from me” just to show a few.  She was so upset and not making any sense.  She was totally alone in the room.  There was no one trying to get her.  There were no floating heads or hands flying around the room.  Evening being 10, I could see that.  I was scared and I could not understand what was wrong with my mom.  It didn’t make any kind of logic.

I tried getting her to stop screaming, and of course that doesn’t happen. I finally called my grandparents and they told me to call 911 and they were on their way.  I tried not to cry and stay calm while still trying to get my mom to calm down herself until help came.  You know how on TV they used to show people going to the mental hospital as being taken by men in white coats. Well, I’m here to tell you that it was the case at least when I was a child.  My grandparents took me out of the house after I got a bag together, and the men in white coats took mom after they shot her with some kind of medication to calm her down.

Before I could see my mom, her doctor had to discuss a few things with me.  It turns out that my mom has the disease Manic Depression, but more importantly she suffers from another disease called schizophrenia that caused her to act the way that she did the other night at home.  She was seeing and hearing things that were not there called hallucinations.  He explained that my mother was fighting against demons in her head that only she could see and hear and that I was not to worry about them getting me because they were only after my mom.  This scared me because I understood demons from my dad and I didn’t want them after my mom, but the doctor said that he would fix mom.

Later I went to see her at the Meridian Mental Hospital in Mississippi.  She had undergone ECT, or Electric Shock Treatment, which is where they strap a person down, put electrodes on each temple, a plate in your mouth, and send a whole hell of a lot of electric current through a body to kill brain cells.  She didn’t even know I was her daughter.  She could barely speak to me and had no feeling in her at all.  It took everything in me not to cry or scream at her to wake her up and tell her, “I’m your daughter.”  I finally had to run from the room back to my grandparents arms.  I cried all the way home in Oxford.

After months, she came home, and after more months we went back to our house on Hillside and again we were alone together.  I  never quite felt safe anymore, but I couldn’t let her know that because it might send her into another fit and they may have to make her forget me again if that happened.

That’s the night that everything changed for me…..That’s the night that a scream ripped through the my life….